Friday, January 6, 2012

Resolutions, schmezolutions

New Year's has come and gone, and I'm sure we've all made promises to ourselves to better our lives for 2012. Typically, these things revolve around fitness, finance, and good will toward others. Problem is, most of us will fail miserably at keeping these promises to ourselves. Why not save yourself from the disappointment? Here are some...

New Year's Resolutions You Can Actually Keep.
1. Eat More Gelato. Gelato is good for you. Gelato makes you happy. Gelato has loads of calcium, and Sorbetto is full of Vitamin C, so you can avoid getting that pesky scurvy again. Yar! Also, please refrain from saying that Rosemary Honey Goat's Milk tastes like "chicken and cake". This actually just happened.

2. Tie Shoes Every Day. You don't even need to tie them in the morning, you can just tie and untie at will. No pressure here at all. You can even tie a friends' shoes, this still counts.

3. Don't Go To Tijuana. By not going to this place you will save yourself from being kidnapped, getting stabbed by drug cartels, buying shady pharmaceuticals, or seeing a monkey riding a burro. Well done!

4. Don't Drink Cyanide. Who would want to do that? See how easy it is to keep these resolutions?!

5. Vote. At least in 2012, for the love of GOD! Unless you live in Texas, Arkansas, Alabama, Alaska, either Carolina, or Georgia. If that's the case, I hope you got the memo that elections have been pushed back to December.

6. Don't Punch a Kitten. Kittens are adorable life companions. Save the punching for unwanted creatures like opossums, small lizards, and Zach.

7. Eat More Soup. It's cold outside, and hot soup is delicious. Especially at Capogiro, where we are currently serving Yellow Lentil and Cream of Tomato, with a side of yummy Metropolitan bread. The best thing about soup is that it's sort of like it's already chewed for you, so there's no extra work!

8. Breathe More. Breathing is sooooo easy to do. In fact, I'm doing it right now! Try to take the time out of your busy day to sit on a bench and breathe. Unless that bench happens to be under water. Or in Newark.

9. Get A Haircut. Seriously. You've had the same hair for years now. And your neckline is just out of control. Have that trimmed up, you look like a werewolf.

10. Get Back Into Something You Used To Be Good At. Did you used to be super rad at a certain sport, or maybe an instrument? Do it again! You know you like it already so there's no chance of disappointment. It can only boost your ego. Win!

So there you go, kids. I've given you ten easy ways to have a happier and more fulfilling New Year. Have fun!

By Tandy

1 comment:

  1. Definitely read it as "a monkey riding a burrito" until I went back and checked.