Saturday, January 9, 2010

Predictions for 2010, From an Expert

Happy New Year, Capogirans everywhere! I apologize for the delay in getting this post in the mail, but there have been difficulties a-plenty. My idea was to consult certain experts in the field of prognostication in order to obtain a clear-ish idea of what surprises lay in store for us in the new year. I had some ideas of who I’d like to interview on the subject, knowing full well that it was a dream list of superstar experts, and that an interview with any of them was unlikely.

Why would any of these highly regarded seers grant me an audience? Farhad of Nisbus, the acclaimed Persian bibliomancer, is a monkish recluse who will only reveal his secrets to "Baba", the prized hunting falcon of Sultan Qaboos bin Said. There is a small town in Northern Spain (I’ve been asked to never utter its name) that is home to the Decendants of Smaragdus: a group who claim direct lineage from the 9th Century mystic. They live in a cloister, observing a strict vow of silence, and emerge once every forty-seven years to offer infallable predictions for the next century. Their invited guests are select European royals, and the three remaining Knights Templar.
Xu Zheng LXIII passed away, unexpectedly, in October and Dr. RJ Firkins of Devon is missing, presumed eaten by tigers. Who else remains to offer a trustworthy peep into what’s-to-come? The answer came to me, quite unexpectedly, during a visit to our nation’s capital. *

I’ve always found that a stroll around the Washington Monument does wonders for calming my mind and aligning my humours. My method is to start at the base of the obelisk and wind my way outward from it in a carefully described spiral, ringing an E tuning fork against my skull at regular intervals to keep my resonances at their neutral point of 659 Hz. I enter an altered state almost immediately.
This time, while mid-way through the arc of my third spiral pass, I slammed hard into a frozen pile of dirty snow. Cursing my stupidity for having not noticed it before (plus the rotten luck of their being a pile of ice exactly in my chosen path) and rubbing my bruised shins, I opened my eyes and looked at the frozen obstacle. Lo! And behold! Someone had crafted an amusing snowman of Pere Ubu right there on the Mall! I had to laugh: it had black rocks for eyes and pine needle whiskers, with a carefully drawn spiral right on his ample belly. This was no mere coincidence!
Yes! Of Course! There was one more option for expert divination. Years ago, in Portland, Oregon, a branch of the Magnetic Temple of ‘Pataphysics was housed in an abandoned corner store in the Pearl District (before the area’s horrible transfiguration). I had gotten to know a few of the Knights and Janitors there, and still had some viable contacts who would probably be able to grant me an interview with an Officer or Specialist.
I emailed my contacts from the Temple, and asked about the current whereabouts of Officers I had met. King Thirsty Hiram was in exile in Mexico, untouchable, and Chief Mystic E. Coli is currently disintegrating and re-integrating in a bile centrifuge. Luckily, though, Sr. Slushy Hugglebunny is serving a residency in an ashram near Canarsie and is easily reached. This made me very hopeful and excited, because his specializations are Parascatology and Irregular Hariolation.
To cut to the chase, I phoned him immediately and he was pleased to offer his predictions for the coming year:
1. The Earth’s Sun, currently managed by HeliosTec of Placentia, CA, will be acquired in a hostile takeover by Binary Source, Inc. of Alpha Centauri. There will be no interruption in service.
2. Our current system of hair follicle management will become obsolete with the introduction of the Remote Dermal Option: a subscription-based genetic modification allowing users to choose between scales, feathers, carapace, or lush fur.
3. The bimillenial mass-migration of arachnids will postpone World Cup Soccer.
4. Chickens will cultivate an insatiable appetite for human flesh, resulting in the complete evacuation and sequestration of Alabama, where all domestic poultry will be quarantined.
5. The Economy will cease to exist after the close of the second quarter. It will simply, inexplicably, vanish. In it’s place, a fluid system of Nonchalance and Rugged Guile will outperform close contenders Histrionics, Beaver-Damming, and Quiet Exactitude. Mellifluousness will be managed through a central agency that will also regulate Kitsch and seek the close regulation of Hirsute Avarice.
Wow! Sounds like we’re in for some exciting times!

* I would like to thank D.C. coffeehouses, Peregrine and Big Bear for creating lovely spaces and serving delicious coffee.

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