Friday, October 7, 2011

Fear the botany.

So I chucked a cactus pear at Miles the other day--not maliciously, he saw it coming and caught it pretty deftly (for a gamer)--and somehow, unexpectedly, he got a cactus quill or something or other stuck in his palm. (Ed. note: Rest easy knowing two things: we're diligent about keeping that sort of thing out of your gelato, and Miles was fine after some delicate tweezering, just a couple of tears, and a nice mug of hot chocolate.)

But it left me wondering...shouldn't we be worried about all this fruit we have just laying around, like a botanical ninja-time bomb set to go off and muderolate us all?

I mean, look at this pineapple. This isn't setting off reptile brain threat alarms in your head? Have you ever accidentally brushed up against a pineapple spine? One of these bad chickens poked me hard enough once to draw blood. What did I ever do to YOU, pineapple?!

Yeah, dude. Yeah. A LIME. Look, I can hear you sniggering. "It's a lime, man. Just a lime. All round. No sharp corners. Nothing pointy or poky. Why are you worried about a lime?" WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. I was making a guest a cocktail the other night. Mellow, no real rush. Nothing unexpected happening. Put the lime half in our little hand juicer. Squeeze. And of course, since I'm watching what I'm doing, I can see the gout of heartless, terrifying, burnyburny lime juice making its way for my eyeball, heartlessly and terrifyingly. Direct hit. SQUISH, right in my precious, harmless little cornea, which wasn't doing anything to anybody and in NO way deserved this sort of treatment from a stupid piece of fruit. HOLY CRAP did that hurt. My eyes are, and I'm not kidding, watering right now just remembering it. STUPID LIME.

Yes. Jalapenos. Chiles generally, to be frank. (And yes, they are fruit. Wikipedia says so, and Wikipedia is never, ever wrong.) This is a family blog and I mean to keep it that way, but suffice it to say that I was chopping commercial quantities of jalapenos one day. Stepped away for a moment to visit the little cooks' room. Neglected to wash my hands prior to...well. You see where this is going. BEWARE.

Rambutan. Jeeeeezzzz I don't even know where to start. There were rumors that Dan was going to magic these into our kitchens some time this summer, but after looking at pictures I'm just as glad he didn't. This doesn't creep you out? Not even a little? Unpeeled it definitely looks like something out of a Clive Barker book. Peeled it looks distressingly like something out of a Clive Barker movie, all brainy and squishy and gelatinous and weird. Seriously, these give me the creeps.

Time for culinary eyebalm.

Know what's not scary? Bangers and mash. You could swan dive into a pool of that stuff and just ooze your way in, butterily. Pork fat salving the stings and wounds inflicted on you by all those fruits spouting fake promises about "insoluble fiber" and "nutrients." Who needs it? And is it really worth the risk? Stay safe. Eat more pork.

1 comment:

  1. Jay, sometimes I worry about you, but I worry more about me because I agree with every word!