Friday, September 25, 2009

Debunking the Myths at CapoPenn

We've been open in West Philly for almost four months now and, frankly, the amount of mis, and dis-information that has accumulated via local blogs, society pages, back-alley murmurings and various forms of espionage is staggering. To add to the confusion, some of this misinformation is absolutely true. So, in the interest of transparency and goodwill, I have decided to address certain of these claims today.

Our morning barista is an Elf

I address this first because it is the single most discussed topic I overhear when I am out in public. This rumor is, in fact, a demi-truth because the barista referred to here is a Half Elf/Half Human, and a Magic User.

Our go-to morning man Ted is, by all accounts, the swellest guy you're likely to meet. He's also a snappy dresser, has great tattoos, and is the first recipient of a Craigslist "Missed Connection" at CapoPenn (by a poor lass confessing an unrequieted crush). He will remember your name, how you like your latte, and will be gracious and polite no matter how grumpy you are. But, beneath his genteel demeanor simmer the powers of the Underworld waiting to be unleashed. Look closely into his eyes, and you will see, beyond the innocent sparkle, dark magic with the potential to control the undead.

We have a gelato-eating octopus in an underground aquarium

Patently false. This rumor began when an interloper overheard a discussion during a manager meeting. We were considering aquiring an octopus from a biologist in Mauritius who had rescued it from a fisherman. This particular octopus showed above average intelligence, was a prodigious size, and was able to communicate telepathically. We were all in favor of purchasing this amazing cephalopod and had even begun construction on a below-ground tank, when our lawyer intervened and forbade us to proceed any further, due to a stipulation in our lease.

As luck would have it, soon afterwards one of our baristi discovered Sandwich Cat: a quasi-imaginary cat who has become our unofficial mascot. She has developed a strong following, and some even believe that she has curative powers (there have been multiple attempts to kidnap Sandwich Cat, which is why she is safely hidden away in a secret bunker).

Emmy is a pony

I have to accept the blame for getting this one started. I had eaten some tainted falafel from a food truck and was hallucinating pretty badly. In my psychotropic state, I believed that an animal spirit had come to me to reveal that Emmy is a pony from the Secret Realm who was changed into a human as punishment for some misdeed. I felt that it was my duty to "tell the world the truth". Who knows how many local news agencies I phoned before my staff wrestled me to the floor and administered a tranquilizer.

The truth is even stranger: Emmy is actually an ace fighter pilot from WWII (how she managed to fool the RAF into allowing a woman to enlist and become a pilot is a story unto itself) who, during the Battle of Britain, experienced a rift in time and space just as she was about to shoot down a Messerschmitt. Stunned, she emerged over some woods near Meckesville, PA, flying at a dangerously low altitude. With nerves of steel honed in aerial combat, and in absolute command of her aircraft, she managed to crash-land in a small lake. As her trusty Spitfire sank, she swam to shore.

I won't chronicle the rest of her strange adventures here, or explain exactly how she made her way to Philadelphia, because it would take too much space. We are glad to have her here in the 21st Century, but are doing everything we can to find a way to transport her back to her proper time period. However, Ted informs us that reversing time/space shifts successfully is seldom accomplished.

Their stories are waiting to be told...

I could go on and on: Maura is a ninja, Red is the illegitimate son of Fidel Castro, Christian has a genie in a bottle that he's afraid to unleash, etc, etc. What you should do instead, dear reader, is come in and get to know these people firsthand. Sit at the bar and order a beer (maybe a pint of the outrageously delicious Brooklyn Pennant Ale). If you're lucky, when Jessica turns around to get you a bowl of popcorn, you may catch a glimpse of her monkey-like tail...

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