Donate to a good cause: Send me to Italy!

It has come to my attention that, in order to be a more educated, articulate Capogiro manager, I really need to affiliate myself more with the birthplace of gelato. In that spirit, I have decided to embark on a campaign to travel to a distant land in order to gain the knowledge that will enable me to become a true Capo zen master. As I am a little short on cash, I am asking you all to help me to study abroad: Send me to Italy!

In case you need further convincing, I have prepared a brief list of reasons for you to help me in this noble cause.

Reasons you should pay for me to go to Italy:

1. I could learn to pronounce every single one of our gelato flavors correctly. I could learn to trill my R's and elongate my vowels just so. I've been working on this while behind the case but it just looks like I'm talking to the flavors and it wierds out the customers. Just for the record, I don't talk to the gelati. (Except for you, Thai Coconut, you're my only friend).

2. I am not Julia Roberts. I just saw Eat. Pray. Love. and I would look WAY cuter sitting on a bench in the middle of a piazza eating gelato than she would. Julia Roberts looks like a horse.

3. Vespas are sexy. I recently signed up for an OkCupid account so I'm busy trolling the interwebs for ladies, and I need to learn more about how to be sexy. Everyone looks better on a Vespa, and Italy is full of them.
4. Going to Italy may be my only way to possibly ever hear someone say, "It's-a me, Mario!" outside of a Nintendo game.

5. Make friends with the police. I've always wanted to have a buddy who was a police officer. Being friends with a cop can be very handy in all kinds of predicaments. Many cops in Italy ride Vespas too, so we can hang out together looking sexy and keeping it real. In particular, it is the Italian dress uniform that really gets me. So adorable!!

So, in closing, please help me obtain my lifelong goal of going to Italy. I will accept donations in the form of American dollars, Euros, travelers checks, bottle caps, sacks of grain, and/or ponies.

Thank you all for your support.