Bad Idea Jeans...

So, Capo kid Joe is an all-around good guy. He's nice looking, polite, creative, and adorably goofy. However, he just told me that he got his girlfriend a furby for Valentine's Day. This leads me to believe that Joe has never had a long-term girlfriend. Ever. At all. I'd like to help my buddy Joe by compiling a short list of...

Things You Should Never Buy Your Partner for Valentine's Day.

Stuffed animals (of the talking or mute varieties). Whenever you give someone who is over the age of 10 a stuffed animal, they are socially forced to say "Awwww, how cute," and give it a squeeze and/or pet. This is degrading in and of itself, but what is worse is the situation that you put the person in after the gift-giving is over. How long are they supposed to hang on to the stuffed animal? Are you expecting to see said stuffed animal sitting on their couch or bed the next time you come over? Worse yet is how to get rid of the stuffed animal. Shoving Teddy into a trash bag with his little beady eyes staring up at you always feels a bit too much like homicide.

Soap. Although one might think that a partner would love some nice lotions or massage oils for Valentine's Day, you always run the risk of offending them. It's best to steer clear of scented things, lest they take it as, "hey, I love you but GEEZ would it kill you to bathe once in a while?!" This being said, the most obvious product to avoid is a bar of soap. If anyone ever gave me a bar of soap I would have to immediately put it in a sock and use it as a weapon of retaliation.

Gym Membership. This is a no-brainer. It would only be less obvious if you were to sign the card with, "I want to spend my life with you but your backside is starting to look like two hams wrestling". Don't do it.

Walking Papers. Years ago, I seriously had a girlfriend break up with me on Valentine's Day. Who does that?! What's worse is that she was probably the hottest woman I have ever dated, hands down. Thanks a lot, Brooke, what swell timing you had. At least I'm consoled by the hope that there is a special place in Hell for soulless harpies like you. Kisses!

An STD. You may be thinking, "Nothing says I love you like a raging case of herpes". You would be wrong. Get tested and play safe. Although it would definitely be a bonding experience to share the same strain of chlamydia, it's probably not the heartfelt gift you were going for.